Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Who decides what is RIGHT and what is WRONG??

Last night in my Psychology of the Death and Dying class we were discussing assisted suicide. The video we were watching preached against it completely. We all know that assisted suicide is illegal and that Dr Death is serving his time now for the 130 people that he aided in killing themselves. However, this topic got me to thinking about how assisted suicide is related to abortion. Abortion is legal all over the U.S. Doctors regularly provide their medical services to mothers who wish to kill their unborn children. I would like to know how this country can legalize something as immoral as abortion and not assisted suicide. I am not by any means speaking in favor of this type of suicide. I am wondering how anyone can make logic out of this type of government. Please tell me how aborting innocent babies is right and deciding to end your own life is wrong. Does anyone have an opinion on this matter?

Monday, October 17, 2005

4 going on 40

My 4 year old never ceases to amaze me. He has made his way from toddler to little boy, and this step is exciting and a little depressing for me all at the same time. I still find myself wanting to tote him on my hip from room to room just to be reminded that "I am not a baby momma." I always say "I know you are not a baby Thomas, but you will always be Momma's baby." He doesn't seem to appreciate this any more than he did when he was 2.

Friday was a long stressful day for me. School, work, and allergic reactions (that is another post) were really getting to me, and all I felt like doing was throwing myself onto the bed in a fetal position and crying until sleep took me over. Friday night I finally finished with the mommy routine of taking baths, eating supper, playing spiderman, and dodging flying legos, when I got a chance to curl up under my covers. After about 15 minutes of daydreaming about how much better and easier life will be in 6 months or so and holding back tears, Thomas made his way to the bedroom and laid his little head on the pillow next to mine. He never said anything just looked in my eyes and stroked my hair. All of a sudden some nurturing instincts that he possessed suddenly made him kiss me all over my face. I got one soft kiss on my nose, then cheeks, then chin. I could no longer hold back the tears, and they began trailing down my face. I have never seen a look of peace and understanding in anyone like I saw in Thomas' eyes at that moment. Without saying a word, he took one little index finger and wiped the tears from my face. I was astonished and completely overwhelmed with my love for this wonderful child of mine, and just like that we closed our eyes and went to sleep.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Boots Gone Wild!

Thomas will be 4 years old Wednesday. We had the celebration this weekend. There was cake, ice cream, toys, clothes, people, and everything else that involves the traditional birthday event. Unfortunatley, this month is the cowboy stage. Okay...this is Mississippi and not Texas. That means that cowboy boots don't go with everything. I decided when I was 8 that my son would not have a pair of these horrible excuse for a fashion statement. I remember being so embarressed to be seen with my brother when he wore his imitation snake skin, chrome tipped cowbow boots out in public with shorts and a tank top. I could not believe my mother let him out of the house dressed like that. Yes, I have to admit that it was the 80's, and I was wearing jelly shoes with colored socks, but I somehow thought that this was the best thing that happened to fashion since tight rolled jeans. Back to the subject. My mother decided that the best thing in the world to buy Thomas for his birthday would be a shiny set of cap guns with a holster. I must admit that he looked absotuely adorable with these oversized guns hanging from his little waist all the way to his knees, but the only thing these play guns did was reinforce the idea that cowboy boots were a must have. I tried to avoid the subject entirely when my mother so graciously told Thomas that momma would buy him his cowboy boots since she had got him the guns. I did everything I could not to turn into the girl from the exorcist and rotate my head around while screaming obsenities in a voice that would bring the devil to his knees. I was doomed. Their was no way out of this. My child was crying for cowboy boots, it was his birthday, his nanna told him I would buy them, and those eyes...they get me everytime. So its 6:30pm, and I am driving to Tupelo to get the damn cowboy boots and be back for cake and ice cream by 8:00pm. I am completely determined to get the most fashionable boots possible when I realize I can get him a pair of Justin boots. Thank god I live in Mississippi. Every male I have ever known has a pair of these boots. The more worn out they are the better. There is no chrome or animal skin patterns. I get to Scruggs, find the Justin boot, and tell the girl to get me this boot (make sure it's this boot) in a 91/2. Okay now I turn into the exorcist girl. There is no 91/2 in this boot. There is not anything close to it (fuck). I glance at the other boots, and they all ooze rodeos, tight wranglers, and memories of 8 year old embarressment. I look at my watch, realize I can't go home empty handed, pick the plainest pair they have in his size and head home. While driving home I yell a few choice words, glance into the passenger seat at the most disgusting excuse for a pair of shoes on earth, and shove them under the seat to rid the sight of them in my periphrial vision. I made it home for the party, and watched as my four year old opened up his cowboy boots. I must say if anyone can make these boots wearable it would have to be Thomas. I think he could make anything adorable. However, I did sneak them off of him and hide them while he slept just to have to bring them back out when he woke up. All the torture was worth it when he grabbed my face with both hands gave me a big kiss, and said and I quote "Tank you momma buying me dat."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Writing as an "Escape Goat"

A heartbreak can take the mind on a roller coaster of thoughts. This is a little bit of writing that I did while I was in mourning over a lost love.

I had a dream last night . It was dark, I was taking a midnight swim in the pool, the wind was cool, the water was warm, and the radio was softly singing sweet country tunes. As I quietly sang along to the lyrics of Anything But Mine I heard a shuffle of the leaves and turned my head slightly to see a shadow cascading towards the pool. My heart jumped to my throat, and I stopped singing the lyrics as I anxiously waited to see who was surprising me with company. Natural instincts sent my hands to my hair to make sure that the wet, wavy, layers were in place. I saw your face as you stepped from behind the gazebo, and the nervous feeling took over my insides as it always does whenever you are near. Those blue eyes caught my gaze and traveled downward to mentally examine every crease and curve of my trembling body in the moonlight. As your eyes returned to mine that breath taking smile took over your face and the feeling inside me turned from an anxious curiosity to a hungry one. I said nothing and you said nothing. You slowly undressed revealing that treasure trail that I remember following so long ago. Then you slid down in the water wearing only boxers and piercing blue eyes. Still, I said nothing and you said nothing. I felt small waves from your body entering the pool, and the warmness splashed over me as I floating in the water waiting to see what your next move would be. Suddenly you disappeared beneath me, and I held my breath. In what seemed like hours, It was must have been seconds; I felt your hand on my thigh, and I was immediately surrounded by water, my hair took flight in waves around me, and my anxious hunger grew stronger. Your hand made its way up my thigh, over my stomach, and to my neck. Our lips met, and we engaged in a warm underwater kiss. I felt your hands caressing my body and our legs intertwined. You put your hands firmly around my waist as I wrapped my legs around yours before we surfaced. We both feel the cool air over our arms and shoulders enticing this pleasurable experience. The kiss has grown hungrier. I can feel every inch of your tongue as I tried to devour and savor the taste of your lips. Your arms held me and my legs held you. My hand traveled down your cheek to your chest, then down the side of your arm tracing the tightness of your muscle. As one, we moved to the side of the pool, not thinking just lusting for one another. You kissed down my neck, and I could feel your wet face caress mine. Your arms loosened and suddenly I was sitting on the side of the pool alone and my dream ended.

Monday, September 26, 2005


ex-husband: So who are you dating now?
me: Why?
me: Who are you dating now?
ex-husband: no-one
me: Okay, who are you fucking now?
ex-husband: no-one
ex-husband: Who are you fucking now?
me: no-one
ex-husband: Would you like to meet up at your mom's house for a quickie?
me: Don't you think your wife would get pissed?

Okay let me start at the beginning.

The everyday route between school and work has become my phone time. I call and make sure all is a go with Thomas and his schedule of Momma, Nanna, Daddy, Granny, and Daycare time. I call my best friend and find out about her business, which I religiously keep a log of. I call work checking to see whats up with the boss, if he is in the office, and who the gossip is about today. I call the movies to see if there is anything interesting this week. You get the picture. Today, I called my ex-husband to make sure he remebered that he had to pick Thomas up from Daycare. We stay on a schedule with days and who picks him up, but Momma feels much better if I make that extra attempt to reassure myself. My worst fear is that he ends up the last child there after everyone has gone home, and it's just him and the teacher with the lights off and her thumbing her fingers impatiently trying to reach one of his caregivers. Anyway, after I asked my ex-husband if he remembered he was picking up Thomas from daycare, he casually asked me for a quickie. I will say that I did not cut him off short when I figured out where the conversation was going, but I am not the one married. I would love for everyone to know that this gives me great pleasure to hear my ex-husband spout out these words like he has done it 1,000 times over. You might think it's because I want him back, or that I am still in love with him. The truth is that it completely reassures me that I made the right decision to leave this man, got a lawyer, took him to court, and freed myself. Being a single mom and broke is hard enough but when you occasionally have the thought weighing on your mind that you made a mistake, it's even worse. I knew all along my husband was capable of such deception but to actually have proof is such a relief. You see... my ex-husband is a newlywed. He has been married for 13 months and already wants to cheat on her. My ex-husband is the biggest ASS HOLE this side of the Mississippi.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thomas Joe

I wanted to post a picture of the infamous Thomas. This is my amazing little man. This picture was taken back in May at the Memphis Zoo. He was hot and mad, and momma was still making him pose for pictures.


The last time I posted I was just starting school and talking to Chad. Okay school is well underway, and Chad is well off my potential list.

I am completely going out of my mind. Driving back and forth between school and work twice a day is forcing me to hate my car and go broke from high gas prices. Juggling my time between school, work, Thomas, and a social life is giving me ideas that checking myself into the nut house may not be such a bad idea. Living under the same roof with my mother has given me an entirely different perspective of how life really is better once you are entirely dependent upon yourself. Being single without anyone to talk to who really cares and wants to listen makes me long for a relationship. It seems when times get stressful and hard that that is when I really miss what it is to have someone.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Dating in circles...........

This week has been a whirl wind of excitement for me. First, I registered for my last 4 classes of school yesterday. Thats right, this time three months from now I will be the proud holder of a B.S. in Biology and Chemistry with my minor in Business. This makes me giddy all over. I have been smiling from ear to ear for two days. Then, I have started a relationship via phone with Chad. I think the last male companion I mentioned was Heath. Needless to say, this little fling ended up being just that. Chad on the other hand may actually have some long term potential. We met via my ex boyfriend, and started talking via another ex boyfriend. For some reason I always end up dating in circles. Chad is a great guy, and this I am sure of. Now the hard part will be getting the sparks going in equal amounts on both ends. No matter what I know Chad and I will have a great time together. He has this sense of humor that keeps me on my toes, and a motorcycle that I am sure will add to the excitement.